Domestic violence and intimate partner violence: how therapy can help victims of abuse
What is intimate partner violence?
Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is a pattern of relational abuse that occurs in current or former romantic relationships. Abusers use a range of tactics, which are referred to as “coercive control” tactics. Coercive control tactics create an imbalance of power in the relationship. Abusive relationships are based on power and control, which is not always in the form of physical violence. Below are some of the common coercive control tactics used in abusive relationships:
Physical or sexual violence
Intimidation, such as breaking things, destroying property, throwing things, or acting menacing (for example standing very close to the victim’s face and yelling/raging)
Emotional abuse, such as name calling, guilt tripping, humiliating and degrading remarks, intentionally lowering self-worth
Isolation, such as controlling contact with friends and family, limiting social contact, not letting the victim go to work or school, monitoring victim’s online communication, constant accusations of cheating, using jealousy to justify control
Privilege and entitlement, such as treating the victim like a servant, expecting victim to meet all of the abuser’s needs, using gender/race/class to justify unequal power, acting like the “head of the household,” double standards for contributions to the household, enforcement of “rules” that the abuser makes up
Economic abuse, such as taking the victim’s money, making the victim ask for money, not allowing the victim to work, controlling all the finances, hiding or stealing money.
Minimizing, denying, gaslighting, and blaming, such as minimizing the extent of the abuse, denying that the abuse occurred, and blaming the abuse on the victim. For example, statements like “That never happened,” “You’re overreacting,” “I only did that because of how you were acting,” “You’re crazy,” “It wasn’t that bad, you’re making a big deal out of nothing,” or “It’s not like you’re perfect!”
Coercion and threats, such as threatening to commit suicide if the victim leaves, threatening to take the children, threatening to press legal charges against the victim, threatening to hurt the victim, or threatening to release compromising/private information about the victim
What is the difference between intimate partner violence and domestic violence?
Though often used interchangeably, the two terms are not exactly the same. Intimate partner violence refers to abuse between romantic partners, while domestic violence can occur between a parent and child, siblings, or others within the same household.
What is the domestic violence cycle of abuse?
The cycle of abuse has 5 distinct phases, which follow typically predictable patterns.
The set up
The first stage is the set up, which occurs at the very start of the relationship. The abuser does not show their abusive side at the start of a relationship – if they did, abusive relationships would be much less common. Instead, the abuser will often work hard to make the victim feel that they have found true love.
Abusers use a tactic called “love bombing,” where they shower the victim in attention, praise, romance and care in order to create a rapid attachment. Abusers will often push for the relationship to move quickly, such as moving in together, getting married or having a child early on. Because of the set-up phase, victims are often in love and committed to their partner before they first experience abuse.
Tension-building phase
The second phase is called the tension-building phase. In the tension-building phase, the abuser starts to lash out at the victim. They may be suddenly more cold, moody, critical, reactive, explosive, irritable, or blameful. They also may start becoming more suspicious and jealous, accusing the victim of being unfaithful. Controlling behaviors begin to escalate.
During this phase, the victim begins to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around the abuser to avoid setting them off. When this first begins to happen, the victim may feel confused and wonder if they have done something wrong to elicit this sudden change in behavior.
Abuse or violence
The third phase is the incident of abuse or violence. This is when an acute explosion of abusive behavior occurs. During this phase, the abuser may sexually, emotionally, physically or verbally abuse their victim.
Reconciliation
The fourth phase is the reconciliation phase. After the abuse, the abuser might cry, express remorse and shame, or ask for forgiveness. They will often promise to never do it again, or promise to get help. If the abusive incident was severe, they may use love-bombing and romantic gestures to try to regain control. For example, showing up at the victim's work with roses. During this phase, the abuser may still be using some minimization, denial and blame. For example, “I’m so sorry, I don’t want to act like that but you push me to that point.”
Honeymoon phase
The fifth phase in the honeymoon phase. This is the calm before the storm. During the honeymoon phase after an abusive incident, the abuser is on their best behavior again. The victim becomes hopeful that perhaps the abuser really is changing, and things are getting better. After the honeymoon phase, tension eventually starts building again, and the cycle starts all over.
As the relationship continues, the time between the stages of the cycle becomes shorter. At the start of the relationship, there could be months between abusive incidents, but after some time, the abuse becomes more and more frequent and chronic.
What is traumatic bonding?
Traumatic bonding is a psychological syndrome that results from the cycle of abuse. Trauma bonds are an emotional bond between the victim and the abuser, which arise from the recurring and cyclical intermittent reinforcement. The abuser is both cruel and callous, and kind and loving, unpredictably and sporadically. This intermittent reinforcement causes the victim to perpetually seek the abuser’s approval and kindness, always working to get back to the “good part” of the cycle. This process is the same as Stockholm syndrome, where people develop feelings of loyalty and care towards their captors.
Domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft uses the following metaphor to explain trauma bonds: Imagine you are stranded in a desert and extremely thirsty. You would feel extreme gratitude towards anyone who showed up to hand you a cold glass of water. But in situations of abuse, the person who strands you in the desert and brings you the water is the same person. Abusers play the role of both tormentor and rescuer, which is deeply confusing and destabilizing for the victim.
What are signs of being in a trauma bond?
You find yourself making justifications for why your partner treats you the way they do
You hide their bad behavior from friends and family so others won’t judge them
You are always walking on eggshells, trying to keep them calm and please them
You have tried to leave multiple times, but they always manage to reel you back in
You are afraid of them, but you also love them
You fantasize about their potential if they could just stop being abusive
You are lowering your previous standards of what you find acceptable
You find yourself doubting your own sanity
You find yourself blaming yourself for the abuse, or feeling that if you could just change and be a better partner, they would stop
You are constantly trying to “prove” to them that they can trust you and don’t have to control you
You are minimizing the extent of the abuse, even though you know deep down it is not okay.
Who ends up in abusive relationships?
There is an untrue stereotype that people who end up in abusive relationships are stupid or weak, or have some character flaw that draws them to abusers. None of this is correct. The truth is that anyone can end up in an abusive relationship. Abuse spans across culture, gender, sexuality, race, class, religion, and personality types. Childhood trauma or growing up witnessing domestic violence is a risk factor for increasing the likelihood of ending up in an abusive relationship.
Why are abusive relationships so hard to leave?
There are both logistical and emotional reasons that abusive relationships can be so hard to leave. The trauma bond and the cycle of abuse explains why it can be so hard for victims to emotionally separate from their abusers. Sometimes when victims leave their abusers, they experience extreme panic, anxiety and distress, leading them to return to the relationship. In fact, it takes the average victim 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship.
Logistically, victims are often trapped in abusive relationships due to lack of resources and imbalance of power. Often victims do not have their own money, income, or control of finances. They fear being homeless or losing all material security. If victims share children with their abusers, they fear custody battles or losing custody of their children.
Victims also may fear leaving their abuser because of the abuser’s threats to harm or kill them. Statistically speaking, the most dangerous time for a victim is in the first year after leaving the abuser. Even post-separation, abusers may continue to harass the victim through stalking and threats. This is why safety planning and accessing resources from a domestic violence center can be so vital for planning a safe exit.
How does domestic violence impact mental health?
Victims of domestic violence may suffer from mental and physical health problems as a result of abuse. Victims of domestic violence often experience anxiety, depression, panic, PTSD, and increased risk for substance abuse or suicide.
What do victims struggle with after leaving an abusive relationship?
Even after exiting an abusive relationship and separating from the abuser, victims can struggle with long-term effects on their mental health. Many victims experience low self-worth, feelings of shame and embarrassment, inability to trust others, and fear of ending up with another abuser.
How can DV therapy help?
Therapy with a competent, trauma-informed therapist with speciality in domestic violence can help victims during all stages of an abusive relationship. While a victim is still with their abuser, DV therapists can provide safety planning and crisis support. DV therapists will provide psychoeducation on how abuse works, and support the victim in beginning to break the trauma bond. After the victim has exited the relationship, DV therapists can treat PTSD and any other mental health issues resulting from the abuse, and can help the victims rebuild a sense of confidence, self-love, self-trust, and wholeness.
How do you work on breaking a trauma bond in therapy?
Breaking a trauma bond involves “undoing” the damage the abuser has caused to the victim’s belief systems and perceptions of themselves and their partner. During abuse, the abuser works to break down the victim's sense of reality and impose their own reality onto the victim.
Breaking a trauma bond starts when the victim can begin to reclaim their own sense of reality. This usually includes exploring and challenging self-blame, reclaiming the right to be angry about mistreatment, reclaiming the right to protest unjust behavior, strengthening the victim’s trust in their own perceptions, and assessing the pattern of abuse realistically with the help of a specialist.
Abuse is also very numbing – the chronic stress and trauma leads to dissociation, which disconnects victims from their emotions. A DV therapist will work to help the victim to reconnect with their emotions and the pain of what they have experienced.
Breaking a trauma bond may also include reclaiming parts of the victim’s life and personality that they had to give up for the relationship – for example, reconnecting with friends and family, getting involved in hobbies and passions again, and reconnecting with interests and values that the abuser didn’t approve of.
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